


A Call To Arms

by diadema



Series: This Has Been A Public Service Announcement [1]
Category: The Man From U.N.C.L.E. (2015)
Genre: 2017 Winter Holiday Gift Exchange, FAQ, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-13
Updated: 2017-09-13
Packaged: 2018-12-27 17:35:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12085962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/diadema/pseuds/diadema
Summary: A narrative PSA for the 2017 Winter Holiday Gift Exchange. It's a FAQ... disguised as a fic... in (attempted) screenplay format!?The team gets briefed on their latest assignment: a partnership with their friends at the Archive. :)





	A Call To Arms

**Author's Note:**

> Writers wanted! Sign-ups are now open for the 2017 Winter Holiday Gift Exchange. :)
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/collections/TMFUGiftExchange2017/profile#faq 
> 
> For my fellow screenwriter friends out there, please, please forgive the wonky formatting. I wrote everything in Final Draft, but it doesn't transfer well here. I did the best I could (and believe me, I died a little bit on the inside when I saw it too). It's not much, but I hope you're willing to look beyond it.

INT. WAVERLY’S OFFICE - DAY

The usual suspects - SOLO, GABY, and ILLYA - gather around WAVERLY’s desk.

Solo thumbs through his FOLDER, frowns.

SOLO

We’re partnering with the Archive?

Not that I’m complaining, sir, but

I thought we were here for a mission.

 

WAVERLY

Consider it a goodwill endeavor.

From one international agency to

another.

 

GABY

And did our friends at AO3 propose

this little arrangement?

 

WAVERLY

Actually, Miss Teller, it was

Kuryakin’s idea.

 

Solo and Gaby look at Illya. Accusatory. Illya shifts from one foot to the other.

 

SOLO

Care to explain yourself, Peril?

 

ILLYA

Is good for diplomacy. As you know,

the Archive has been one of UNCLE’s

top supporters the past two years.

It only makes sense we should reciprocate.

 

GABY

(scoffs)

By writing stories?

 

WAVERLY

 _Gifting_ stories. Don’t forget the

point of all this is an exchange.

 

SOLO

An exchange. Of stories. 500 words minimum.

 

GABY

All  _conveniently_ limited to English.

 

Illya returns her glare.

ILLYA

Think of it as mission report.

You’ll survive.

 

WAVERLY

Oh, I promise you, you’ll all be

doing much more than that. I’ve

already assured the Archive—not

only of our full cooperation, but

of our _enthusiasm_ as well.

His team is distinctly lacking on both fronts.

WAVERLY (CONT'D)

Granted, this isn’t your typical

mission, but I expect you’ll treat

it with the same level of care.

 

GABY

Very well then. Why don’t you brief us?

 

WAVERLY

That's the spirit.

(beat)

Now, keep in mind that we have a

very limited window for this assignment.

You _must_ sign up by October 9th.

 

GABY

Doesn’t sound too difficult. We’re

only putting our names down.

 

WAVERLY

I’m afraid it’s a bit more

involved than that. Kuryakin?

Illya nods at his superior, steps forward.

ILLYA

First, you will make requests. This is a lot

like wish list. Three to five options of what you would

like to receive.

 

SOLO

Should I also include what I _don’t_

want on there? Not that it matters

much to me, but I imagine not

everyone will be as—

 

GABY

Loose? Indulgent?

 

SOLO

 _Open-minded_. I’d hate for anyone to

be scandalized. Russian partner

excluded, of course.

Waverly cuts Illya off.

WAVERLY

Yes, yes, Mr. Solo, you should

specify what you would and would

not be interested in reading.

(beat)

But do be sure to give your partner

 _some_ room to operate.

 

SOLO

Duly noted. More broad strokes,

less paint-by-number.

 

GABY

Any other contingencies?

 

WAVERLY

Just the one concerning cross-overs.

You’ll need to make at least

three of your requests for UNCLE only.

 

SOLO

So, you’re saying that if Peril

here wants to rub elbows - and

maybe more - with Anna Karenina,

he’d have to save that particular

little fantasy for his fourth choice?

Gaby tries - fails - to hide her snort.

GABY

But I suppose a request for 19th

century Russia would still be permitted.

 

ILLYA

 _Da._  Alternate universes are fine. Cowboy can

immediately ask for a Wild West story. _Especially_ if

it ends with him being buried in a shallow grave.

Solo takes a moment to consider this.

SOLO

Hanged?

 

ILLYA

I was thinking shot.

Probably in the back.

(beat)

You deserved it.

Solo shrugs: he probably did.

WAVERLY

If we could please get back on task,

gentlemen. We still haven’t gone

over the offers.

 

GABY

Let me guess. We list what _we_ would

be willing to write and they’ll

match us from there?

 

WAVERLY

Precisely. Again, I can’t stress

enough that you _shouldn’t_ try to

control the whole process.

 

GABY

Maybe I get paired and I get my prompts.

She tilts her head, defiant.

GABY (CONT'D)

Maybe I don’t like any of them. Then what?

 

WAVERLY

Then you will simply have to make do.

(beat)

However, if you believe there has

been a truly egregious error, you

may go through the appropriate

channels to fix it.

 

ILLYA

You will have approximately two

months to write, so there’s no need

to get discouraged.

 

GABY

 _Discouraged_ , comrade?

 

ILLYA

I meant I’m sure you will figure it

out. And that your contribution

will be... adequate.

He closes his eyes, winces.

SOLO

That shallow grave’s looking more

and more like a possibility. _Don’t_

think it’s gonna be for me either.

 

GABY

And what if I want to go above and

beyond my quota, huh? Take on

somebody else’s request while I’m at it.

(beat)

Would  _that_ be adequate for you?

 

SOLO

Easy, Gaby. Wouldn’t want Waverly

to hold you to any of this.

Illya smiles, despite himself.

ILLYA

 _Ambitious_.

(beat)

You are free to do more than one

story so long as you complete your

assignment by December 18th.

 

GABY

Hmmph.

 

WAVERLY

And these are all going to be

anonymous, I take it?

 

ILLYA  
Until the reveal on New Year's, yes.

 

SOLO

So, it's like Secret Santa.

 

ILLYA

(indignant)

Santa has _nothing_ to do with this.

 

GABY

 _Wichteln_ , then. You surely can’t

have a problem with _that_?

Waverly sighs, long-suffering.

WAVERLY

As _much_ as I would love to hear

this debate again, we have more

pressing matters at hand.

(beat)

Do you or don’t you understand

what this will entail?

 

SOLO

It’s write a story, get a story. We

give our requests—

 

GABY

Make our offers—

 

SOLO

Get our pairings—

 

GABY

Write at least 500 words... 

(to Illya)

In  _English—_

 

ILLYA  
And then add them to the Gift Exchange

collection when they are completed.

 

WAVERLY

So you do listen after all.

(beat)

I’ll reach out to my contacts, see

if we _can’t_ cast a wider net here.

I trust you’ll do the same?

 

SOLO

The more, the merrier.

Gaby and Illya nod. Waverly turns even more serious.

WAVERLY

I don’t think I need to remind you

how important this is. The Archive

has been very good to us and I

intend to keep it that way.

 

GABY

Yes, sir.

 

ILLYA

We hope for a long-standing

partnership too.

 

WAVERLY

Then you have my blessing.

(beat)

Good luck.

Waverly stops his team at the door. He grins.

WAVERLY (CONT'D)

Anna Karenina, Mr. Kuryakin?

 

SOLO

Ah, well, you know, forbidden fruit

and all that.

 

WAVERLY

I always imagined you’d go for

someone like Katerina instead.

 

Solo looks between Gaby (oblivious) and Illya (wide-eyed) with a smirk.

  

SOLO

I’m sure he already does.

Don’t you, Peril?

 

ILLYA

I... no, I...

 

GABY

Illya?

He knocks over a chair as he flees the room.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Wichteln is the German equivalent for Secret Santa, for those interested...
> 
> Also, depending on how many writers we can get for this exchange, I would totally be willing to ghostwrite fics from Team UNCLE if that would incentivize anyone. :)


End file.
